So drunk, too bad you don't want this
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
