Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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