I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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