woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
