I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
