You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
