i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
