Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
