I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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