dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
