I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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