I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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