you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
