So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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