i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
