see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
