when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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