Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
