I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So squirting runs in the family.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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