how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
