sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
