how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
