Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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