don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My pussy is not your playground.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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