Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
