I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
