Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
