On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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