thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
