so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
