i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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