oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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