I wish life had little blips of pornography
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
