My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
