You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
