you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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