do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
