shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
