I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
