dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
