last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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