I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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