So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
