she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
