so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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