yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
