my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
