a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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