my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
