Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
