No awkward lesbian experiences without me
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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