So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
