I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize