yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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