he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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