Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
