There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
