What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize