fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
