burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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