No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
