remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
