If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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