were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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