Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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