sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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